I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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