walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You took a bar mat shot.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
