when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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