I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
