apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
