you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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