The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
