She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
