First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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