You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
