Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
