Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
