Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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