dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's official drugs can't kill me
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
