saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
