needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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