i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
