You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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