3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
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