You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
