hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
