I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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