The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
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