worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
