I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
