According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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