sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
