thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
