So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
