woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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