Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
