im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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