He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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