I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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