Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
