It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
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I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
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I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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