oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
