oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
