my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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