ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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