if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
