why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
