I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
