I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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