mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
What drink are we having for lunch?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
