I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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