does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
