Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Blow job season was short but glorious.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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