Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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