it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
