I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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