Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
