the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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