theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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