So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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