EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
