i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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