Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
