My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Someone came in the potted fern
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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