i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
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I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
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Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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