They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
